Originally published at YouGabSports.com.
Every year, our children sit down and scribe a list of wishes and dreams to the jolly fat man in the red suit, hoping that he’ll remember them on Christmas day. Well, have we ever stopped to think about what our favorite athletes are hoping to see under the tree?
Lucky for you, YouGabSports has their sources at the North Pole, and under a condition of anonymity, we are able to publish them here for you to read, and what a way to kick off this series, but to get back together with America’s favorite golfer; Tiger Woods.
Hello again Santa, it’s me Eldrick, but you may know me better as Tiger. I know it’s been a while since I last wrote, but given my current circumstances, I couldn’t think of anyone else that could get me out of this mess.
Listen, I know I haven’t been the best this year. Well, I guess that depends on who you ask, if you know what I’m saying. Anyway, I’ve made a real mess out of thinks because I wanted more than I needed. Well, now I’m in need.
In the end, if you can see it in your heart to forgive me of my transgressions and naughtiness (wow, I’m using that line a lot now aren’t I?), all I want for Christmas is to be able to go back to the beginning and have a chance to make the right choices. All I want is a do-over.
As always, thank you for listening. I’ll leave milk and cookies by the fireplace as per our old arrangement. Now, I have some cookies of my own that I need to get.
Eldrick “Tiger” Woods
Am I reading this correctly? Is Tiger Woods looking for a mulligan? Can’t get your ball out of the rough?
Well son, as you know, I am a fairly forgiving soul. I am a saint after all! But I have to tell you, you have a lot of nerve asking me for anything given how naughty you’ve been this year. I know I haven’t seen my dick since Rudolph was still a fawn, but that’s on behalf of my belly. You on the other hand can’t find it because you don’t know which hole you left your ball in.
And how much more can a man ask for getting the amount of play that you do? The closest thing I get to action around these parts is the occasional head butt from an elf in the halls.
So you want forgiveness and a second chance? I tell you what, I’ll give you something better; advice. Take some time off and sink some of those renowned practice skills into the game of life and work on your long game with the family. You don’t need a second chance son, you just need to be the person you were raised to be and that you made everyone believe you were. Stop pretending to be the man, and just be the man.
P.S. – Get a better taste in women!